Hi.
Before midnight tonight, without hope or agenda, I am going to tell you that I love you.
I owe it to myself to at least try.
That's all there is to it.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
To the Boy I Have Loved For Five Years
I always thought that as long as I wasn't sad that I was happy. But after you kissed me last Saturday, I realized that there is a difference between being not sad and happy. All of those years when we weren't a part of each other's lives, I was just not sad. I missed you so incredibly much. Yes, I dated other boys but none of them compared to you.
But then you came over and we talked about everything and you finally said, after all of this time, that you had loved me and that I had broken your heart. With my head on your chest, I admitted that I had loved you too for as long as I could remember. It was all so perfect until you said, I can't do this. It was all so perfect until I remembered Kim, your girlfriend.
And we fought at the top of my driveway and I cried.
Leave, go on, I know you want to.
You said, come on Whit, just talk to me. Please.
You don't even care about me.
How can you say that?
Just fucking go.
Whit, please. Don't do this.
I have to.
Whit.
I'll see you at school and don't worry I won't tell anyone.
And the stupidest part of this whole story is that I still love you. I always have. I can't help it. If I could back in time, I would tell you how I felt and I wouldn't be afraid. I wouldn't run away. I'm tired of the regret. So I'm going to tell you how I feel this time and you're going to have to make a choice and maybe you won't pick me. But at least this time around, I'll know where I'll stand.
Monday, November 21, 2011
letters to the 4 that shaped my heart.
Dear Jake,
You were the one that started it all. You were the first boy I ever had butterflies for, the first boy I was ever excited to see when I went to school, the first boy I ever told deep secrets too, the first boy I ever said "I love you" too, the first boy I ever let feel me up, the first boy I ever cried over, and the first heartbreak I'd ever experienced. You gave me my expectations of what a relationship should and could be like. You are an unforgettable person to me and I will never forget the first kiss we've ever shared. You were the only boy I've ever focused on and ever wanted to be with from the time I was thirteen to the time I was fifteen. I always compared feelings and situations to the ones I had with you. You are a remarkable person even now, and I only wish you the best in life and in love. Thank you, sincerely, for everything our relationship has taught me.
- Always, Jenn.
Dear Ancel,
Our relationship wasn't so story book, now was it? Hell, we only dated for two weeks, we never even hung out, yet why was this relationship so meaningful to me? You were the first guy to ever cheat on me. Now that, that hurt like hell. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like my feelings weren't worthy to be taken into consideration for. Granted we tried things out again our freshman year, but after that I could never think or look at you the same way. However, you did teach me to think of myself and what I was worth. Also, what I would not and could not put up with in a relationship. For that - I thank you. You taught me more in two weeks time than some learn in three years. I know our friendship will only continue after we graduate, and I know you are going to do some courageous and wonderful things in your lifetime. The best of wishes to you.
- Always, Jenn.
Dear Matt,
Boy oh boy, where do I start? Well, you were the first boy's house I'd ever gone over too, the first boy I've ever cuddled with, the first boy I've ever truly opened up and been myself with, the first boy I've ever said "I love you" too and meant it whole heartily, the first boy who's ever seen me naked, the first boy I've ever been in love with. I loved you, Matt. Before you, I'd never risked so much and done so much to be with someone. I fell in love at fifteen. It was you, always you. I gave you everything I could. Every little piece of me and then some. You were the first boy I'd ever cried that much over and you certainly will be the last. I grew up after we ended things. I couldn't stand who I was after a while of being with you. I was jealous, malicious, depressed, self-cautious, not the girl everyone had known me to be. However, everything we had, well mostly everything, it what I never want to have in someone else. I never want someone to make me feel so horrible about myself. Or call me a "cunt" when I do something to make him mad. You used me. For sex, ego boosts, anything that tickled your fancy at the time. Never in my life have I let someone destroy me and never again will I let that happen. Am I mad? Not at this point, no. It still stings a little looking back on things. I will never understand how you can treat someone the way you did me, and still sleep at night. But you're not my problem anymore. I always told you that when you choose to love someone, you will be the most amazing man to that girl and I still stand by that. I know what I saw in you and that was potential. Potential to be more to some girl than you ever were to me. I love you and a part of me always will. Don't let me down, be the person you were destined to be.
- I'll love you forever, Jenn.
Dear Spencer,
I met you on my eighteenth birthday. We spent the whole night talking to one another, everyone else was so insignificant that night. We shared a summer full of us. You were the first guy in almost two years to make me feel something. And you ultimately, were the one who helped me get over Matt. I felt beautiful, always with you. I will never forget the way you looked at me or the way you held me, so comfortably and effortlessly in front of others. You were so goofy and quirky, I couldn't help but like everything about you. I saw us being more than destiny intended us to be. I could never be mad at you though, or spiteful. You healed the last few pieces of my heart and this thank you is bigger than other before. Thanks to you I can see myself with other people, and not just him. You fixed me, not by dating me or anything of that source, but for showing me there are better and sweeter men than Matt. I don't intend to be bitchy towards you now, that's just a side you've never seen up until recently. Thank you for everything though, and I hope you achieve every dream and aspiration you've set for your life.
- Always, Jenn.
You were the one that started it all. You were the first boy I ever had butterflies for, the first boy I was ever excited to see when I went to school, the first boy I ever told deep secrets too, the first boy I ever said "I love you" too, the first boy I ever let feel me up, the first boy I ever cried over, and the first heartbreak I'd ever experienced. You gave me my expectations of what a relationship should and could be like. You are an unforgettable person to me and I will never forget the first kiss we've ever shared. You were the only boy I've ever focused on and ever wanted to be with from the time I was thirteen to the time I was fifteen. I always compared feelings and situations to the ones I had with you. You are a remarkable person even now, and I only wish you the best in life and in love. Thank you, sincerely, for everything our relationship has taught me.
- Always, Jenn.
Dear Ancel,
Our relationship wasn't so story book, now was it? Hell, we only dated for two weeks, we never even hung out, yet why was this relationship so meaningful to me? You were the first guy to ever cheat on me. Now that, that hurt like hell. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like my feelings weren't worthy to be taken into consideration for. Granted we tried things out again our freshman year, but after that I could never think or look at you the same way. However, you did teach me to think of myself and what I was worth. Also, what I would not and could not put up with in a relationship. For that - I thank you. You taught me more in two weeks time than some learn in three years. I know our friendship will only continue after we graduate, and I know you are going to do some courageous and wonderful things in your lifetime. The best of wishes to you.
- Always, Jenn.
Dear Matt,
Boy oh boy, where do I start? Well, you were the first boy's house I'd ever gone over too, the first boy I've ever cuddled with, the first boy I've ever truly opened up and been myself with, the first boy I've ever said "I love you" too and meant it whole heartily, the first boy who's ever seen me naked, the first boy I've ever been in love with. I loved you, Matt. Before you, I'd never risked so much and done so much to be with someone. I fell in love at fifteen. It was you, always you. I gave you everything I could. Every little piece of me and then some. You were the first boy I'd ever cried that much over and you certainly will be the last. I grew up after we ended things. I couldn't stand who I was after a while of being with you. I was jealous, malicious, depressed, self-cautious, not the girl everyone had known me to be. However, everything we had, well mostly everything, it what I never want to have in someone else. I never want someone to make me feel so horrible about myself. Or call me a "cunt" when I do something to make him mad. You used me. For sex, ego boosts, anything that tickled your fancy at the time. Never in my life have I let someone destroy me and never again will I let that happen. Am I mad? Not at this point, no. It still stings a little looking back on things. I will never understand how you can treat someone the way you did me, and still sleep at night. But you're not my problem anymore. I always told you that when you choose to love someone, you will be the most amazing man to that girl and I still stand by that. I know what I saw in you and that was potential. Potential to be more to some girl than you ever were to me. I love you and a part of me always will. Don't let me down, be the person you were destined to be.
- I'll love you forever, Jenn.
Dear Spencer,
I met you on my eighteenth birthday. We spent the whole night talking to one another, everyone else was so insignificant that night. We shared a summer full of us. You were the first guy in almost two years to make me feel something. And you ultimately, were the one who helped me get over Matt. I felt beautiful, always with you. I will never forget the way you looked at me or the way you held me, so comfortably and effortlessly in front of others. You were so goofy and quirky, I couldn't help but like everything about you. I saw us being more than destiny intended us to be. I could never be mad at you though, or spiteful. You healed the last few pieces of my heart and this thank you is bigger than other before. Thanks to you I can see myself with other people, and not just him. You fixed me, not by dating me or anything of that source, but for showing me there are better and sweeter men than Matt. I don't intend to be bitchy towards you now, that's just a side you've never seen up until recently. Thank you for everything though, and I hope you achieve every dream and aspiration you've set for your life.
- Always, Jenn.
Monday, August 1, 2011
I want this, forever.
"I want a big house, with a balcony overlooking the sunset where I can read and write poetry...about us." She said to him.
"I can give you that." Was all he replied with.
"I want babies, first I want a boy, who's strong and brave and will never mistreat any girl."
He just smiled and said, "I can give you that, love."
"I want a little girl, who's just like me...with a heart that's full and unbroken."
He tucked back a strand of her long brown hair that the Colorado air had tussled, kissed her lips and said
"I can give you that."
She turned to face him completely on the tiny futon they both shared and continued to talk,
"I want a husky that I can take on runs with me, when the sun is just rising and the cold air bites my face."
He held her face and said, "So long as you always come back to me, I can give you that."
She looked out their little window, the moon at it's fullest and the stars dancing in their serenity.
"I want to have more nights like this, where we listen to Bob Marley and drink wine all night."
He pulled up the blanket around her shoulders and looked into her eyes, "I can give you that."
She touched his brown hair, and grazed his jaw bone with her fingertips. "I want you all to myself, with no other women, for the rest of your life...I want these arms that you're holding me in to always be mine. I want to fall asleep to the rhythm of your snores and wake up to those brown eyes that take me places people can only dream about...I want this, forever."
At this he sat up, and pulled her close, her ear pressed against his chest and said "This heart in my chest beats for you. There would be no me, without you. All I want is to make you happy, and I will never let your smile fall from your face so long as I am alive. And if all you want is forever, I can give you that..."
"I can give you that." Was all he replied with.
"I want babies, first I want a boy, who's strong and brave and will never mistreat any girl."
He just smiled and said, "I can give you that, love."
"I want a little girl, who's just like me...with a heart that's full and unbroken."
He tucked back a strand of her long brown hair that the Colorado air had tussled, kissed her lips and said
"I can give you that."
She turned to face him completely on the tiny futon they both shared and continued to talk,
"I want a husky that I can take on runs with me, when the sun is just rising and the cold air bites my face."
He held her face and said, "So long as you always come back to me, I can give you that."
She looked out their little window, the moon at it's fullest and the stars dancing in their serenity.
"I want to have more nights like this, where we listen to Bob Marley and drink wine all night."
He pulled up the blanket around her shoulders and looked into her eyes, "I can give you that."
She touched his brown hair, and grazed his jaw bone with her fingertips. "I want you all to myself, with no other women, for the rest of your life...I want these arms that you're holding me in to always be mine. I want to fall asleep to the rhythm of your snores and wake up to those brown eyes that take me places people can only dream about...I want this, forever."
At this he sat up, and pulled her close, her ear pressed against his chest and said "This heart in my chest beats for you. There would be no me, without you. All I want is to make you happy, and I will never let your smile fall from your face so long as I am alive. And if all you want is forever, I can give you that..."
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I blame you for my addiction to bad music.
Me?
Yes, you. You stupid Bieber-loving fool.
Baby, baby, baby, nooooooo!
Shut your mouth.
When you smile, I smile!
I'm not smiling.
I just need somebody to love...
Oh, come ere' you big douche.
Now that's the Casey I know.
You're such an asshole.
Love me, love me, say that you love me.
I hate you.
No. Like this: I love you, Andrew Callahan.
Fuck you.
Oh, Casey Morgan, you're a girl after my own heart.
You stupid Irish bastard.
Oh, and tis' Morgan not Irish?
You're ridiculous.
What's the matter with you today, love?
Nothing, just drop the accent.
Say that you love me first.
I love you.
Louder please, dahhlin'.
I'll not say it louder.
Oh, yes love, I think you will be doin' jus' that.
You're incorrigble.
And you're beautiful when you're angry.
Damn it, Andrew.
Ahh hemm.
I LOVE YOU FRANCIS ANDREW CALLAHAN!
Oh, there you go embarressing me with the Francis-ing! Course you can never do anything how I'd like.
Oh hush, you big wanker.
No, I won't be persauded you, gypsy!
Fine then, I take it back.
Now don't go sayin' things like that. Don't be silly now, my love! You can't take things like that back.
I know, I was only playin'. Surely you must know that I do love you more than anything.
You bloody Americans, always putting us Irish between hard places and rocks.
You don't want to love me?
Oh, you're a sharp one my love, so don't be sayin' foolish things such as that. O'course I want to love you. Tis' just I don't know how to.
Me?
Yes, you. You stupid Bieber-loving fool.
Baby, baby, baby, nooooooo!
Shut your mouth.
When you smile, I smile!
I'm not smiling.
I just need somebody to love...
Oh, come ere' you big douche.
Now that's the Casey I know.
You're such an asshole.
Love me, love me, say that you love me.
I hate you.
No. Like this: I love you, Andrew Callahan.
Fuck you.
Oh, Casey Morgan, you're a girl after my own heart.
You stupid Irish bastard.
Oh, and tis' Morgan not Irish?
You're ridiculous.
What's the matter with you today, love?
Nothing, just drop the accent.
Say that you love me first.
I love you.
Louder please, dahhlin'.
I'll not say it louder.
Oh, yes love, I think you will be doin' jus' that.
You're incorrigble.
And you're beautiful when you're angry.
Damn it, Andrew.
Ahh hemm.
I LOVE YOU FRANCIS ANDREW CALLAHAN!
Oh, there you go embarressing me with the Francis-ing! Course you can never do anything how I'd like.
Oh hush, you big wanker.
No, I won't be persauded you, gypsy!
Fine then, I take it back.
Now don't go sayin' things like that. Don't be silly now, my love! You can't take things like that back.
I know, I was only playin'. Surely you must know that I do love you more than anything.
You bloody Americans, always putting us Irish between hard places and rocks.
You don't want to love me?
Oh, you're a sharp one my love, so don't be sayin' foolish things such as that. O'course I want to love you. Tis' just I don't know how to.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Trick That Brought About the End of Life As They Knew It
You dance, the boy told her, like you're on fire.
Well maybe I am and anyways wouldn't that make a beautiful story?A ballerina, who catches on fire and tries to extinguish it by pirouetting or with a perfect arabesque.
How does it end?
Isn't obvious? She dies.
This is just a story though?
Come on, don't tell me you don't think about dying.
Honestly, I don't. If I didn't know better I swear I'd think I could live forever.
You're silly, Boy.
I have a name. It's..
Oh hush. I don't care for names.
Why?
Because you become attatched to them and I'd prefer not to be attatched to anything.
That seems rather lonely.
Boy, the girl stated, the best way to avoid getting your heart broken is to pretend you don't have one.
You're the most interesting girl I've ever met.
Save the compliments for the other girls, I've seen how they fish for them. Apparently, you're something.
You don't seem to think so.
I have trouble thinking highly of someone whose only ever been admired for his appearence.
I suppose you want me to apologize for that?
It would be a start, don't you think? And anyways, it was terribly rude of you to never ask my name. So you can apologize for that too.
I was just getting to that, honest.
It's Darya and the only time it may be substituted is when you use, "darling" instead.
I thought you said you don't like names?
I don't but I think, I'll make an exception this time.
Why is that?
You're having a hard enough time as it is, Boy. I wouldn't want to give you something else to think about.
The boy laughed, how kind of you.
What is your last name?
Wolowitz.
You're Jewish?
Yes.
I am Russian. You must promise to hate me forever. Say it.
I promise.
The whole thing, Boy.
I promise to hate you forever.
Forever what?
I promise to hate you forever, Darya.
Perfect. I suppose I should promise to hate you too.
It would be pointless.
Why?
Because you never made me promise I wouldn't love you.
Well maybe I am and anyways wouldn't that make a beautiful story?A ballerina, who catches on fire and tries to extinguish it by pirouetting or with a perfect arabesque.
How does it end?
Isn't obvious? She dies.
This is just a story though?
Come on, don't tell me you don't think about dying.
Honestly, I don't. If I didn't know better I swear I'd think I could live forever.
You're silly, Boy.
I have a name. It's..
Oh hush. I don't care for names.
Why?
Because you become attatched to them and I'd prefer not to be attatched to anything.
That seems rather lonely.
Boy, the girl stated, the best way to avoid getting your heart broken is to pretend you don't have one.
You're the most interesting girl I've ever met.
Save the compliments for the other girls, I've seen how they fish for them. Apparently, you're something.
You don't seem to think so.
I have trouble thinking highly of someone whose only ever been admired for his appearence.
I suppose you want me to apologize for that?
It would be a start, don't you think? And anyways, it was terribly rude of you to never ask my name. So you can apologize for that too.
I was just getting to that, honest.
It's Darya and the only time it may be substituted is when you use, "darling" instead.
I thought you said you don't like names?
I don't but I think, I'll make an exception this time.
Why is that?
You're having a hard enough time as it is, Boy. I wouldn't want to give you something else to think about.
The boy laughed, how kind of you.
What is your last name?
Wolowitz.
You're Jewish?
Yes.
I am Russian. You must promise to hate me forever. Say it.
I promise.
The whole thing, Boy.
I promise to hate you forever.
Forever what?
I promise to hate you forever, Darya.
Perfect. I suppose I should promise to hate you too.
It would be pointless.
Why?
Because you never made me promise I wouldn't love you.
Friday, June 24, 2011
How to Be Little Me
I will never forgive you for making me feel stupid. I will never forgive you for being so great. I will never forgive you for lifting me off the ground when you hugged me. But mostly, I will never forgive you for making me feel something for you.
Actually, to prove my absolute idiocy, I will forgive you countless times. I will run right back to you. All you have to say is, "I miss those kisses" or "I miss you" or "God, you're so beautiful." And hey, you've got me back. So I do understand why you are the way you are. You can afford to be a complete asshole to me because at the end of the day, I'll still care even if you don't.
Actually, to prove my absolute idiocy, I will forgive you countless times. I will run right back to you. All you have to say is, "I miss those kisses" or "I miss you" or "God, you're so beautiful." And hey, you've got me back. So I do understand why you are the way you are. You can afford to be a complete asshole to me because at the end of the day, I'll still care even if you don't.
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