It's stupid that I can't listen to Lifehouse without thinking about you. That was so long ago; I should have forgotten all the words to "You and Me" by now. All the things I should have done and said and felt, well they're figments. I'm happy really. I've got so much to be thankful for.
There's this boy and he's so great and quirky. He's wonderful and kind and easy and he makes me laugh. It just feels good. Right. It's simple. But then I'm about to kiss him and there you go, resurfacing. I could love him, I really honestly could, if only you'd let me. The truth is, loving him wouldn't be a chore or a task I've always wanted to complete. It would just be love. I wouldn't have to try to please him or make sure I look impeccable. He's the type of person who is delighted by the smile on my face, who thinks I look the most beautiful bare-faced. He brushes my hair out of my eyes when I'm talking to fast and don't even notice it. He makes fun of me and holds the door. He let's me drink out of his glass. He kisses my cheeks and forehead and nose. I am enough for him.
But there's the endless flirting, the endless possibility of you coming back to me. Loving me, finally. You broke my heart. Still everyday, it breaks. Of course it does. Into a million pieces and that means something. Everything you've ever done means something. Every damn word, every charming gesture, every careless perfection you possess. I guess what I'm trying to say is: leave me alone. Please. Don't argue or convince me to watch the stars with you or call me late at night. Just go. It's what I want.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
through the rabbit hole.
for who could ever learn to love a beast?
I hate myself. I'm too picky...about everything. I make the people closest to me feel like shit. I overreact about the dumbest things. I fall for the douche bags instead of the nice guys. My complexion is disgusting. I'm about twenty pounds from where I'd want to be. I barely have any morals. I blame my problems on other people. I'm just this shit of a person.
I remember how I used to be in sixth grade. Yeah, I wasn't the thinnest or the prettiest girl in the world, but I loved myself. I knew exactly who I was and what kind of guy I deserved to be with. I didn't settle for anything less than what I deserved. And I stood my ground about what I would and would not do. I got teased, terribly. I remember crying and wondering why people didn't like me...but at least I liked me. These days I look in the mirror and imperfections are the only things I can focus on. I've had sex with two guys, both who didn't deserve me, not in the least bit. But hey, I CARED, so it was worth it, right? Wrong. Who could ever love a person like me? My flirting is too sexual, but I don't know how to change that.
This person I let everyone see, isn't me. Yeah I'm sarcastic, and loud, and outgoing..but inside I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I don't know what I want to be when I get older. I know I don't want to end up like any member in my family. I want to make something of myself and live in a beautiful house with a husband and two kids. I want to be successful and happy.
What am I scared about? I'm scared that I'm never going to meet anyone who will honestly and truly appreciate me, and love me. I'm scared that I won't ever be happy for longer than a month. I'm scared that what if every boy I love like I did Matt, won't even give me the consideration of dating. I'm still wondering what he found so ugly about me that he wouldn't even give me a chance. Guys don't want to date me, they want to fuck me. And I don't know if I'm sending off some kind of message that in turn tells them I'm interested or what. It confuses the hell out of me, and more importantly, breaks my heart. I don't want to be THAT girl....I want to be THE girl. The girl that makes a guy smile and when I laugh he thanks God that I'm his. Someone who just wants to be with me and doesn't need the opinions of others about our relationship. Fuck, I'm only seventeen. I shouldn't give a rats ass about this stuff, I can't even legally drive yet without a parent or legal guardian in the front seat. So why does this bother me so much?
Recently I've started to really really care about Josh. Yeah, we were talking before he moved down here and before I met Matt. But, ever since New Years, I just want to be with him and talk to him all the time. I can totally see myself with him, we click so well. Then I find out he's hanging out with Nicole, JUST AS FRIENDS, and I'm fucking crying and repeating "I'm done" a million times in my head. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so impossible and fucked up. I'm one big mess of a person and I don't even know where to begin on repairing myself. I have never been so lost and insecure. God, where do I go from here?
I hate myself. I'm too picky...about everything. I make the people closest to me feel like shit. I overreact about the dumbest things. I fall for the douche bags instead of the nice guys. My complexion is disgusting. I'm about twenty pounds from where I'd want to be. I barely have any morals. I blame my problems on other people. I'm just this shit of a person.
I remember how I used to be in sixth grade. Yeah, I wasn't the thinnest or the prettiest girl in the world, but I loved myself. I knew exactly who I was and what kind of guy I deserved to be with. I didn't settle for anything less than what I deserved. And I stood my ground about what I would and would not do. I got teased, terribly. I remember crying and wondering why people didn't like me...but at least I liked me. These days I look in the mirror and imperfections are the only things I can focus on. I've had sex with two guys, both who didn't deserve me, not in the least bit. But hey, I CARED, so it was worth it, right? Wrong. Who could ever love a person like me? My flirting is too sexual, but I don't know how to change that.
This person I let everyone see, isn't me. Yeah I'm sarcastic, and loud, and outgoing..but inside I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I don't know what I want to be when I get older. I know I don't want to end up like any member in my family. I want to make something of myself and live in a beautiful house with a husband and two kids. I want to be successful and happy.
What am I scared about? I'm scared that I'm never going to meet anyone who will honestly and truly appreciate me, and love me. I'm scared that I won't ever be happy for longer than a month. I'm scared that what if every boy I love like I did Matt, won't even give me the consideration of dating. I'm still wondering what he found so ugly about me that he wouldn't even give me a chance. Guys don't want to date me, they want to fuck me. And I don't know if I'm sending off some kind of message that in turn tells them I'm interested or what. It confuses the hell out of me, and more importantly, breaks my heart. I don't want to be THAT girl....I want to be THE girl. The girl that makes a guy smile and when I laugh he thanks God that I'm his. Someone who just wants to be with me and doesn't need the opinions of others about our relationship. Fuck, I'm only seventeen. I shouldn't give a rats ass about this stuff, I can't even legally drive yet without a parent or legal guardian in the front seat. So why does this bother me so much?
Recently I've started to really really care about Josh. Yeah, we were talking before he moved down here and before I met Matt. But, ever since New Years, I just want to be with him and talk to him all the time. I can totally see myself with him, we click so well. Then I find out he's hanging out with Nicole, JUST AS FRIENDS, and I'm fucking crying and repeating "I'm done" a million times in my head. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so impossible and fucked up. I'm one big mess of a person and I don't even know where to begin on repairing myself. I have never been so lost and insecure. God, where do I go from here?
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