To the Boy I Have Loved For Five Years

I always thought that as long as I wasn't sad that I was happy. But after you kissed me last Saturday, I realized that there is a difference between being not sad and happy. All of those years when we weren't a part of each other's lives, I was just not sad. I missed you so incredibly much. Yes, I dated other boys but none of them compared to you. 

But then you came over and we talked about everything and you finally said, after all of this time, that you had loved me and that I had broken your heart. With my head on your chest, I admitted that I had loved you too for as long as I could remember. It was all so perfect until you said, I can't do this. It was all so perfect until I remembered Kim, your girlfriend.

And we fought at the top of my driveway and I cried. 

Leave, go on, I know you want to. 

You said, come on Whit, just talk to me. Please. 

You don't even care about me.

How can you say that?

Just fucking go. 

Whit, please. Don't do this.

I have to. 

Whit.

I'll see you at school and don't worry I won't tell anyone.

And the stupidest part of this whole story is that I still love you. I always have. I can't help it. If I could back in time, I would tell you how I felt and I wouldn't be afraid. I wouldn't run away. I'm tired of the regret. So I'm going to tell you how I feel this time and you're going to have to make a choice and maybe you won't pick me. But at least this time around, I'll know where I'll stand. 

letters to the 4 that shaped my heart.

Dear Jake,
You were the one that started it all. You were the first boy I ever had butterflies for, the first boy I was ever excited to see when I went to school, the first boy I ever told deep secrets too, the first boy I ever said "I love you" too, the first boy I ever let feel me up, the first boy I ever cried over, and the first heartbreak I'd ever experienced. You gave me my expectations of what a relationship should and could be like. You are an unforgettable person to me and I will never forget the first kiss we've ever shared. You were the only boy I've ever focused on and ever wanted to be with from the time I was thirteen to the time I was fifteen. I always compared feelings and situations to the ones I had with you. You are a remarkable person even now, and I only wish you the best in life and in love. Thank you, sincerely, for everything our relationship has taught me. 


- Always, Jenn.


Dear Ancel,
Our relationship wasn't so story book, now was it? Hell, we only dated for two weeks, we never even hung out, yet why was this relationship so meaningful to me? You were the first guy to ever cheat on me. Now that, that hurt like hell. You made me feel like I wasn't good enough, like my feelings weren't worthy to be taken into consideration for. Granted we tried things out again our freshman year, but after that I could never think or look at you the same way. However, you did teach me to think of myself and what I was worth. Also, what I would not and could not put up with in a relationship. For that - I thank you. You taught me more in two weeks time than some learn in three years. I know our friendship will only continue after we graduate, and I know you are going to do some courageous and wonderful things in your lifetime. The best of wishes to you. 


- Always, Jenn.


Dear Matt,
Boy oh boy, where do I start? Well, you were the first boy's house I'd ever gone over too, the first boy I've ever cuddled with, the first boy I've ever truly opened up and been myself with, the first boy I've ever said "I love you" too and meant it whole heartily, the first boy who's ever seen me naked, the first boy I've ever been in love with. I loved you, Matt. Before you, I'd never risked so much and done so much to be with someone. I fell in love at fifteen. It was you, always you. I gave you everything I could. Every little piece of me and then some. You were the first boy I'd ever cried that much over and you certainly will be the last. I grew up after we ended things. I couldn't stand who I was after a while of being with you. I was jealous, malicious, depressed, self-cautious, not the girl everyone had known me to be. However, everything we had, well mostly everything, it what I never want to have in someone else. I never want someone to make me feel so horrible about myself. Or call me a "cunt" when I do something to make him mad. You used me. For sex, ego boosts, anything that tickled your fancy at the time. Never in my life have I let someone destroy me and never again will I let that happen. Am I mad? Not at this point, no. It still stings a little looking back on things. I will never understand how you can treat someone the way you did me, and still sleep at night. But you're not my problem anymore. I always told you that when you choose to love someone, you will be the most amazing man to that girl and I still stand by that. I know what I saw in you and that was potential. Potential to be more to some girl than you ever were to me. I love you and a part of me always will. Don't let me down, be the person you were destined to be.


- I'll love you forever, Jenn.


Dear Spencer, 
I met you on my eighteenth birthday. We spent the whole night talking to one another, everyone else was so insignificant that night. We shared a summer full of us. You were the first guy in almost two years to make me feel something. And you ultimately, were the one who helped me get over Matt. I felt beautiful, always with you. I will never forget the way you looked at me or the way you held me, so comfortably and effortlessly in front of others. You were so goofy and quirky, I couldn't help but like everything about you. I saw us being more than destiny intended us to be. I could never be mad at you though, or spiteful. You healed the last few pieces of my heart and this thank you is bigger than other before. Thanks to you I can see myself with other people, and not just him. You fixed me, not by dating me or anything of that source, but for showing me there are better and sweeter men than Matt. I don't intend to be bitchy towards you now, that's just a side you've never seen up until recently. Thank you for everything though, and I hope you achieve every dream and aspiration you've set for your life. 


- Always, Jenn.