Theories

Perhaps it began when she almost said those three words. When they gave each other nicknames. When they called lame things "Parkers." But surely it ended when she said, stay with her because I know what it feels like to be the one left behind and when he did. When he said, I don't know what I was thinking when I told you that "My Beautiful Rescue" reminded me of you. When he called her and said they'd always be best friends and promised that things wouldn't change. When they did.

Perhaps it began when he said, I've liked you forever. When he said, come and sit next to me. When she did his project for him and he got a better grade then her. When they talked and talked and laughed. But surely it ended when he said, I can't be with you because he's my best friend. When she said, but I've already picked you instead of him. When that didn't matter.

Perhaps it began when he said, why are you so beautiful before he kissed her. When she forgot what movie they watched. When he bought her a silly hat and she pretended to like it. When he was goofy and sweet and everything. But surely it ended when something else interested her.

Perhaps it began when she asked him if he was always this shy. When he said, I'm not who you think I am. When they told each other secrets and she wondered if they would kiss or not and if they did what would it feel like. When he said, get over here. But surely it ended when he said he was different and she found out he really wasn't. When she wore a dress and he didn't even look at her.

Perhaps it began when he asked for her number. When she called him a stupid freshman. When she made him that first mix CD and they both fell in love with Usher. When he was wonderful and it was summer and honeyed. But surely it ended when there was nothing there anymore, when he proved to ordinary. When he never really loved her.

Perhaps it began five months earlier. When he wanted to know her name after he saw her at a playoff game. When she told him no. When never forgot her and asked her again. When she finally told him. When she kissed him and met his family and she was so nervous. When she bought a new outfit just for that. When he told her, I can't wait to see you tomorrow. When he thanked her for something she was glad to give. But surely it ended when he walked the other way and met someone else.

But those are just details.
They're not important.
They're insignificant.
They're pointless.

They just lead to stupid things like paper hearts.
Easily written on, just as easily destroyed.

just look on the brightside

 I'm your average seventeen year old girl. I love texting, hanging out with my friends, playing basketball, and just living life like the free spirited person I am. I enjoy writing (obviously), music, family get together's, laughing, dancing, smiling...so many things. Like most girls my age, I have experienced heart break. Though, I can confidently say I have had one of the worst. As everyone who has been reading (shout out to Whit's mom and Aunt ha) me and my best friend's blog, mine have mostly been about a boy, his name being Matt. We met when I was only fifteen years old. At the time I had never gone past making out, been to a boy's house, or really put myself out there for anyone. The only love I knew about was what I'd read in books or seen in movies, that was until I met him of course. Matt showed me feelings I didn't know you could feel for someone. Never in my life had I been so eager to see someone after every class or hold his hand or even more than that...share a kiss. Every day was a surprise, he lifted my heart and showed me the world's radiance. I felt like I was flying when I was with him. Slowly after time, he changed. He went from being this guy who was so good and so wonderful to me, to someone that I felt like I barely knew. Depression hit me. I wasn't eating, I wasn't smiling. I wasn't living. I would sleep all day and cry all night. I didn't know what else to do, I longed for the feelings he had once given me. So many things were building up inside me. Anger, resentment, and questions. Lots and lots of questions. I didn't know how to talk to him about any of it, he'd get mad or not even acknowledge it. Finally, after two and a half years I said to myself, enough is enough. He took my heart, he took my smile, he took my virginity, he had taken too much. I was done.


I don't care who you are, if you loved someone once a part of you always will. So of course when I hear things about Matt to this day, a part of me still hurts a little. Yesterday I found out Matt had a new girlfriend (the second one this month). She's a sophomore and she's fifteen years old. Matt's going to be nineteen this year. Four year age difference, gag. Not only that, but he also hooked up with an ex-good friends of mine. Grreat guy? I have no idea why but something snapped inside me when I found out about him hooking up with other girls while he has a girlfriend. That's still annoying that he thinks he can treat people this way. So, me being who I am..I texted him, mean things. In a nutshell, I told him he was a loser that was going absolutely no where in life. That the only thing he slightly had going for him were his good looks, and even those wouldn't get him very far. I also told him he was empty inside and he "snooks for love", then dumps the girl once he doesn't have the temporary high anymore. I know this guy, I know everything he is and everything he aspires to be. So generally I know how to break him down, and everything I said I had been wanting to for a long time. I thought maybe since I was being honest with him, he'd be honest with me for once. I gave it a shot, I asked him the question that's been bouncing around my head for two, going on three years. "Why wasn't I ever good enough to date you?" His answer? Well it went a little something like this....




"I had the influences of all my friend's telling me not too. I was with Tia when I met you Jenn, they all liked her for me. Sometimes I think my feelings for you were stronger than they ever were for Tia, but I was scared. I wanted acceptance from the guys and I felt like I wouldn't have gotten that if I was with you. I regret it, I treated you terribly and I still do. I'm sorry, for all of it." 


At first I was surprised because he finally told me the truth. Then I just got kind of pissed off. What the hell is that? I told all of my friends to shove it whenever they started talking me out of trying to be with him, and he treated me like crap. I treated him better than any other girl has, I'm sure of this. But nooo, let's just go with what our friends think. Then a wave of relief flushed over me. Finally that question was answered! I didn't have to wonder what was wrong with me, what part of me wasn't good enough. And that's the thing, there never was anything wrong with me. He's the one who missed out on probably the most caring relationship he'd ever had. I didn't miss out on anything, I saved myself from being cheated on and I learned a big lesson. No guy will ever shit on me like he did. I've grown from this experience and that's what every negative thing in our lives is. A learning experience. Because if we don't live, we don't learn.