Over the course of it's multicolored life, the heart will possess many different attributes and faces. Each reincarnation is caused by of a sense of brokeness and loss. After such loss occurs the heart will be born again. First, it will drag itself awkwardly upward into an animalistic pose on all fours, then it will graduate to sitting postition, it will stumble around like an infant for awhile, then as if yanked up with a marrionette's strings it will take it's first steps. Slowly, it will find it's voice and learn the power of words. It will swing on the swings in the park, laughing freely; calling, "higher higher! I want to fly!" It will jump from a tree that was too high and skin it's knees; crying it will crawl into my open arms. It will grow older. It will paint on blank canvases of the purest white. It will read many great books and someday it will remember how to feel things again. Maybe it will happen when it hears the first russet notes of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, or maybe when it finds a golden leaf in the hood of its coat, or when it runs barefoot through the snow; twirling about, hands raised, palms upturned, eyes closed. Things will come back to it, course through it like water, altering the color of it's mind. It will expiericence moments of immeasurable sadness as well as moments of incandescent happiness. It will love and touch and kiss. It will play. It will take a picture of a boy, who turned around at just the right moment to smile at it; the picture will be placed carefully at the bottom of a memory chest and then locked. It will take out the picture and think of times when everything was simple. It will grow older and delight to have it's arms filled with squirmming children. It will smell of amber and jazmine, just for the boy. It will sing on it's back porch when the stars come out. It will grow older and wrinkled and tired. It will sit down under the sprawling oak in it's yard and nestle deeper into the emerald grass. It will wear a black veil over it's red eyes, when the boy leaves for Neverland. It will wander and be lost into itself. Gradually, like a butterfly, it will shut it's wings for the last time and enfold itself into slumber's capable embrace. It will leave the earth flying, wings gloriously outstretched, yearning for a place in eternal sunshine; waiting to be brought back to life by a intricate dichotomy of a word. A word called love.
-Whit
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Lithium
Kiddo,
I've written blog after blog about you. I've loved you and loved you (even though at times I didn't know I did). We shared a common heartbreak, we helped each other through it- I made you laugh and you kept me smiling. Being together, being us, loving eachother wasn't easy or right. It destroyed both of us, at different times but with the same crippling severity. I'd like to say we were strong enought to with stand it-but we weren't. Actually, you were strong enough; I was scared. I was running away from you then and I still haven't stopped, but now I'm trying to escape your memory; I'm trying to escape that eternal summer of pure happiness (but I'm continulously relishing the bittersweet moments of sunshine).
But not everything was my fault, I do know that. You lied to me. You said you would wait for me, you promised me we'd always be friends, you said you'd always answer my questions and hold your ams out to me when I needed them. Oh my love, my refuge, my light; I've lost you. Have you purposely pushed me out of your heart into this lonely purgatory? Was my crime so unforgivable, so absolute and omnious- that it could not be cast aside and forgiven? Your nothing but a stranger to me now: a phantom with a mask. I look at you now and try to see glimpses of the boy I loved. When I see them, they are precious and fleeting; shimmering miniature suns, that illuminate and enchant the world, and then as if suddenly growing tired of such and unworthy audience, shrink into the bleak ochre night.
I hate it when I see you walking down the hall. Your back towards me as you get smaller and smaller, moving farther and farther away. I imagine I'm running as if to catch you, to stop you, to speak your name, to let my voice free you. But I know in my heart that you are to far away to be caught. You're gone and thats all there is too it. It's over. It's been over.
But tell me, does she make you laugh like I did? Do her brown eyes catch the light the way mine did? Does she challenge you, or is it easy to love her? Does she understand you? If you discarded her, would her heart break with the same overwhelming pain as mine did? Would you take the time to save her, like you saved me? Is she more or less than I was?
The answers to those questions are empty nonetheless. You picked her, when you could have picked me. You must become the same to me, that I am to you and that is nothing. I must forget you entirely. Regardless of what we shared in the past, I must move on and I will. This is goodbye. I should have said it a long time ago. You will not be apart of my life. I am tired. I have nothing left to say, you have taken my words.
-Whit
I've written blog after blog about you. I've loved you and loved you (even though at times I didn't know I did). We shared a common heartbreak, we helped each other through it- I made you laugh and you kept me smiling. Being together, being us, loving eachother wasn't easy or right. It destroyed both of us, at different times but with the same crippling severity. I'd like to say we were strong enought to with stand it-but we weren't. Actually, you were strong enough; I was scared. I was running away from you then and I still haven't stopped, but now I'm trying to escape your memory; I'm trying to escape that eternal summer of pure happiness (but I'm continulously relishing the bittersweet moments of sunshine).
But not everything was my fault, I do know that. You lied to me. You said you would wait for me, you promised me we'd always be friends, you said you'd always answer my questions and hold your ams out to me when I needed them. Oh my love, my refuge, my light; I've lost you. Have you purposely pushed me out of your heart into this lonely purgatory? Was my crime so unforgivable, so absolute and omnious- that it could not be cast aside and forgiven? Your nothing but a stranger to me now: a phantom with a mask. I look at you now and try to see glimpses of the boy I loved. When I see them, they are precious and fleeting; shimmering miniature suns, that illuminate and enchant the world, and then as if suddenly growing tired of such and unworthy audience, shrink into the bleak ochre night.
I hate it when I see you walking down the hall. Your back towards me as you get smaller and smaller, moving farther and farther away. I imagine I'm running as if to catch you, to stop you, to speak your name, to let my voice free you. But I know in my heart that you are to far away to be caught. You're gone and thats all there is too it. It's over. It's been over.
But tell me, does she make you laugh like I did? Do her brown eyes catch the light the way mine did? Does she challenge you, or is it easy to love her? Does she understand you? If you discarded her, would her heart break with the same overwhelming pain as mine did? Would you take the time to save her, like you saved me? Is she more or less than I was?
The answers to those questions are empty nonetheless. You picked her, when you could have picked me. You must become the same to me, that I am to you and that is nothing. I must forget you entirely. Regardless of what we shared in the past, I must move on and I will. This is goodbye. I should have said it a long time ago. You will not be apart of my life. I am tired. I have nothing left to say, you have taken my words.
-Whit
Thursday, November 12, 2009
then and now.
Then: you'd text me "good morning beautiful =)", you told me your dreams were filled with thoughts of me, you'd kiss me in the most passionate ways, you held onto my hand like it was your priority, we were always talking or together, your arms felt like home, you couldn't get enough of me, you made efforts to make me smile, you protected me, you'd make me feel invincible, loving each other was easy, the butterflies in my stomach never went away, fighting was something we did on occassion, you were the reason behind my smiles, if words weren't said -the way we looked at each other was enough, i'd go to bed smiling and wake up the exact same way, you were someone i was positive i could count on, i was happy, you were happy, we were happy.
Now: our goodmorning texts have turned into simple "morning", you say you don't dream about anything anymore, when i'm lucky enough to share a kiss from you - its not the same, i'm no longer a priority - its more like an option, talking to you is no longer the same, your arms are my safe haven, i feel like i annoy you these days, its like you don't care if i smile anymore or not, you don't care what i do anymore, you shouldn't have to try as hard as we do to make things work, i haven't gotten butteflies since god knows when, it seems as though we are always fighting, smiling is something my friends make me do these days, you don't look at me the way you used too, i go to bed thinking of what is wrong with us and where we went wrong, i don't think i can count on you for anything these days, im not happy, you're happy - but not because of me, we're not us, and i'm not sure what to do about that.
- love always, jenn.
Now: our goodmorning texts have turned into simple "morning", you say you don't dream about anything anymore, when i'm lucky enough to share a kiss from you - its not the same, i'm no longer a priority - its more like an option, talking to you is no longer the same, your arms are my safe haven, i feel like i annoy you these days, its like you don't care if i smile anymore or not, you don't care what i do anymore, you shouldn't have to try as hard as we do to make things work, i haven't gotten butteflies since god knows when, it seems as though we are always fighting, smiling is something my friends make me do these days, you don't look at me the way you used too, i go to bed thinking of what is wrong with us and where we went wrong, i don't think i can count on you for anything these days, im not happy, you're happy - but not because of me, we're not us, and i'm not sure what to do about that.
- love always, jenn.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
with you or without you.
FAITH:
what does that five letter word mean to you? is it what keeps you going in life? is it the only thing that keeps you from crying at night? because thats what it means to me. i kept faith that i would get the boy i was in love with for a year. hell, i still have faith in this thought. no matter how much i cry, no matter how bad i wanna throw my hands up and yell "I QUIT." theres always something that keeps me here, waiting and i dont know what it is. its certainly not the fact that this situation keeps me happy; because im not. im sad ninety-five percent of the time. im pissed off one hundred percent of the time and its made me lose belief in a lot of things. so why am i still here waiting? its a question i ask myself every morning when i look at the girl i used to know in the mirror. ive changed dramatically over this past year. in some ways for the better in some for the worst. i just want to know god's plan for my life, what direction hes leading me in, when everything ive gone through is gonna make sense. when all the tears, frustration, when this nightmare is going to be over. when the dark clouds of a rainy day are gonna part and reveal sunshine for my life. whens my happy day going to come? did i go about the wrong way of falling for him? i think not, you dont really have a choice in who you fall in love with. if you did, i wouldnt be in it right now. god, give me the strength, and give me the knowledge, to give me happiness. because im not right now...and it feels like with or without him, thats how its going to be.
- love always, jenn.
what does that five letter word mean to you? is it what keeps you going in life? is it the only thing that keeps you from crying at night? because thats what it means to me. i kept faith that i would get the boy i was in love with for a year. hell, i still have faith in this thought. no matter how much i cry, no matter how bad i wanna throw my hands up and yell "I QUIT." theres always something that keeps me here, waiting and i dont know what it is. its certainly not the fact that this situation keeps me happy; because im not. im sad ninety-five percent of the time. im pissed off one hundred percent of the time and its made me lose belief in a lot of things. so why am i still here waiting? its a question i ask myself every morning when i look at the girl i used to know in the mirror. ive changed dramatically over this past year. in some ways for the better in some for the worst. i just want to know god's plan for my life, what direction hes leading me in, when everything ive gone through is gonna make sense. when all the tears, frustration, when this nightmare is going to be over. when the dark clouds of a rainy day are gonna part and reveal sunshine for my life. whens my happy day going to come? did i go about the wrong way of falling for him? i think not, you dont really have a choice in who you fall in love with. if you did, i wouldnt be in it right now. god, give me the strength, and give me the knowledge, to give me happiness. because im not right now...and it feels like with or without him, thats how its going to be.
- love always, jenn.
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