Letter One: The One Who Illuminates the Sapphire Sky (And Makes it Hardest to Say Goodbye)

Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy and they would explore their little corner of the universe together.  The boy was always the one photographed, the girl was always the one taking pictures. She would say, "Smile" and he would look away from the lens. This is why she loved him. 

The boy would grab her wrists and say, "Let me take pictures of you, for once" and she would say, "No, that's not how it's supposed to be." 
"Well then how is it supposed to be?"
 "Like this" and she would snap a picture of him. "Isn't it odd how I can take as many picture as I want and yet there's always a glimpse of you I find that I've missed? Some curious hidden angle or glorious lighting that illuminates a new facet I've never seen before. You're always changing right before my eyes." 


You were right that night when you told me I was an enigma, more of an idea than a human being. That night when I asked you to marry me, your eyes asked-who are you? Here is the truth I have been trying to say: I always change because I am afraid of staying static, of remaining here, in Leningrad. So I change my appearance, the music I listen to, the friends I have all to remain in constant motion. You're the force that propels me towards something greater. My perpetual motion machine. If I have any advice for you it is this- don't stop, don't ever stop moving not even for a second. If you stop moving, stop being so alive and so earnest and so right, the world will end or at least the only world that matters to me (which is the world we have created together). 


You are half of every combination of things in the world. You're vulnerable and I'm guarded. You're eyes are resplendent and mine are shadowy. You're terribly ungraceful but I can always steady you. I like to believe we approached each other from opposite spectrums of the universe, two stars moving towards each other, then colliding. Imagine it, the colors of two exploding stars. The great and awful beauty of a crash. That's what our love has been like for me. If I could apologize for all the sins I have commited I wouldn't. I would only say this- I am sorry for my inability to make things last. 


They say, the end will be chaotic but I am not afraid. As buildings fall and monuments crumble, I will simply grab your hand. I will be that star searching the bleak expanse of sky for something to collide with, something to make me whole and in the same breath make me nothing. 

I have decided to make you a promise in every letter. For what is life but a series of kept and unkept promises?


If we have children I promise this is how I will explain the mysteries of our bodies.

I will point to my heart and say, “This is my heart” and then I will point to their heart and say, “This is your heart.” I will say, “Your heart is why my heart exists.”

I will point to their lungs and say, “These are your lungs. Now show me my lungs.” As our child touches my lungs I will say, “Now these are what we use to breathe. Your smile is why my lungs choose to breathe.”

I will point to their head and whisper, “Now this is where your brain is. It allows you to think, dream, run and say ‘I love you.’” I will tell our child, “I think of you in my arms when I’m not where you are. I dream of you running towards me, saying ‘Daddy!’ You are the reason the words I love you were even invented. You are the force behind the greatest combination of eight letters that ever has been and ever will be.”