through the rabbit hole.

for who could ever learn to love a beast?

I hate myself.  I'm too picky...about everything. I make the people closest to me feel like shit. I overreact about the dumbest things. I fall for the douche bags instead of the nice guys. My complexion is disgusting. I'm about twenty pounds from where I'd want to be. I barely have any morals. I blame my problems on other people. I'm just this shit of a person.

I remember how I used to be in sixth grade. Yeah, I wasn't the thinnest or the prettiest girl in the world, but I loved myself. I knew exactly who I was and what kind of guy I deserved to be with. I didn't settle for anything less than what I deserved. And I stood my ground about what I would and would not do. I got teased, terribly. I remember crying and wondering why people didn't like me...but at least I liked me. These days I look in the mirror and imperfections are the only things I can focus on. I've had sex with two guys, both who didn't deserve me, not in the least bit. But hey, I CARED, so it was worth it, right? Wrong. Who could ever love a person like me? My flirting is too sexual, but I don't know how to change that.

This person I let everyone see, isn't me. Yeah I'm sarcastic, and loud, and outgoing..but inside I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified. I don't know what I want to be when I get older. I know I don't want to end up like any member in my family. I want to make something of myself and live in a beautiful house with a husband and two kids. I want to be successful and happy.

What am I scared about? I'm scared that I'm never going to meet anyone who will honestly and truly appreciate me, and love me. I'm scared that I won't ever be happy for longer than a month. I'm scared that what if every boy I love like I did Matt, won't even give me the consideration of dating. I'm still wondering what he found so ugly about me that he wouldn't even give me a chance. Guys don't want to date me, they want to fuck me. And I don't know if I'm sending off some kind of message that in turn tells them I'm interested or what. It confuses the hell out of me, and more importantly, breaks my heart. I don't want to be THAT girl....I want to be THE girl. The girl that makes a guy smile and when I laugh he thanks God that I'm his. Someone who just wants to be with me and doesn't need the opinions of others about our relationship. Fuck, I'm only seventeen. I shouldn't give a rats ass about this stuff, I can't even legally drive yet without a parent or legal guardian in the front seat. So why does this bother me so much?

Recently I've started to really really care about Josh. Yeah, we were talking before he moved down here and before I met Matt. But, ever since New Years, I just want to be with him and talk to him all the time. I can totally see myself with him, we click so well. Then I find out he's hanging out with Nicole, JUST AS FRIENDS, and I'm fucking crying and repeating "I'm done" a million times in my head. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so impossible and fucked up. I'm one big mess of a person and I don't even know where to begin on repairing myself. I have never been so lost and insecure. God, where do I go from here?